The Concept of Emotional Independence

What does emotional independence exactly mean and what is its value in our lives?

To understand this, let us first understand the meaning of the word ‘independence’. The word independence comprises two words. ‘in’ and ‘dependence’. ‘In’ means ‘inside’ and ‘dependence’ means ‘dependence’. So the meaning of the word independence means our dependence is only on the inside, and not on the external, outside factors.

And when we speak of this independence in the context of our emotions, it becomes emotional independence. Therefore, emotional independence means that our emotions are dependent only on what’s within us, and not on the factors outside of our control.

Whenever we face any challenging situation in life, be it a failure, a major setback or illness, someone being rude to us, someone making stupid mistakes, or things not going our way, we generally experience negative emotions such as anger, jealousy, worry, fear, and the list goes on. And then these emotions translate into our words and behavior which give us even more pain when we reflect back.

Now if we assume that it is natural to feel these negative emotions in tough circumstances, then we are simply victimizing ourselves as if we don’t have any power to control the quality of our emotions. And because our emotions direct the quality of our lives, we are basically assuming that we don’t have the power to control the quality of our lives.

Well, then be ready for the roller coaster.

But if we want to improve the quality of our lives, we have to take the power to improve the quality of our emotions, and the quality of our lives will automatically be improved.

But how do we do this? How do we take control of our emotions?

To take control of our emotions, we have to understand a simple concept.

The concept is that our every emotion is preceded by a thought. Whenever we face any situation, be it positive or negative, a thought arises in our mind. Isn’t it? Then this thought gives rise to our feelings and emotions. And then these feelings and emotions translate into our words and behaviors.

Thought, Feeling, Words, and Behavior, in that order.

Therefore, the origin of every positive and negative behavior is always a thought. Therefore, to improve the quality of our behavior and our lives, we have to work on improving the quality of our thoughts.

The important part is that once we have started working on our thoughts consciously, it will become easier and easier for the mind to produce good-quality thoughts over time, and eventually it will become our natural behavior.

Let us take a very simple example. You and your colleague are going for an important client meeting by road. You find an unexpected traffic jam on the way. You become nervous and think that we might be late for this important meeting. What would the client think of us? Will he consider us as unprofessional and non-punctual? Can it result in us not getting the contract?

These thoughts will give rise to negative emotions of worry and stress. Although you can’t control the traffic jam, you’ll still be carried away by these negative thoughts.

On the other hand, your colleague thinks that there is nothing to worry about. It’s okay that we have found an unexpected traffic jam which is not in our control. And even if we get late, we can always explain the reason for the delay to the client and ask for forgiveness. After all, our presentation will decide whether we get the contract or not, and this traffic jam is not that big a deal.

By the time you reach the meeting destination, you’ll be exhausted with worry and stress. You’ll end up spending a lot of precious energy on these negative emotions.

On the other hand, your colleague will be as energetic as before and will be ready to take on the meeting on a positive note.

The overall emotional experience of this same situation would be very different for both of you, irrespective of whether you get the contract or not.

What does this simple example signify?

This signifies that our thoughts, feelings, and behavior are not dependent on the outside factors, but are dependent on our inner self. If it were dependent on the outside factors, both colleagues would’ve given the same response in that same situation. But that was clearly not the case. Every individual reacts differently to a given situation.

Now this is true for any tough situation we face in life. Even to the extent of terminal illness, or losing some loved one. Just like we do not have any control over situations and people, they also don’t have the power to direct our emotions. It’s us who give this power to the circumstances to direct our emotions. Therefore, we become dependent on outside factors for our emotional well-being.

Now if we look at it reasonably, isn’t it a fair deal that if we can’t control the outside factors, then why should we allow outside factors to control us? There is no reason why should we give them this control.

It’s important to understand that we live in two worlds. The outer world and the inner world.

The outer world is the situation and people around us, and the inner world is the world within us. Our thoughts and feelings.

Now there are two ways to attain peace, tranquility, and bliss that we all seek. One way is to make the outside world to our liking and we will be happy. Which of course is not in our control. Another way is to control the inner world, our thoughts and feelings, which are in our control.

To understand it in a better way, we have to understand the concept of reaction and response. A reaction is automated where we act without pausing to choose how to be. A response is where we consciously choose how to be. It’s a well-thought-out process.

If we reflect upon most of our behaviors throughout the day, we are mostly reacting to the outside stimulus. If we make it a habit of stopping, analyzing the situation, and then choosing our response consciously, we will always end up with a more peaceful and healthier response.

We should always choose response over reaction. A conscious response will always leave us more peaceful.

There is one more advantage to practicing this behavior. Oftentimes, we feel negative emotions when someone betrays us, lies to us, makes mistakes, or is rude to us. But we have to conceal our emotions and act nicely to protect that relationship. Be it on a professional front or a personal front. Trying to act against our emotions is unhealthy for both the mind and the body.

Now, if we could get into a practice of stopping, understanding that there might be a reason for this behavior, practicing a little more compassion towards the person and the situation, and then creating only positive thoughts about it, then we wouldn’t have to conceal our emotions. we can just be ourselves every time.

Don’t you think that would be healthy for both parties? You wouldn’t have to act nice. You are nice. That’s your natural self. That would be so effortless. And it will also give rise to pure positive vibes in that relationship.

Therefore, it is important to understand that we should not give control of our emotions to outside situations and people, and take control of them ourselves. No matter what the situation is, it’s always us who have the power to choose how we respond.

And that response always starts with a thought.

Therefore, next time you face any negative or positive situation, take a pause, understand what’s happening, and then make sure that you only create positive and solution-oriented thoughts around it. That is called emotional independence. Emotional independence leads to a life of permanent freedom, peace, and bliss.

If you want to read more about this concept, please get a copy of the book ‘The Power of One Thought’ written by one of the most respected spiritual teachers of our times, ‘Sister BK Shivani’. Sister Shivani explains this concept beautifully in her book.

Please feel free to leave your thoughts on this.